Denial is an island.
One we like to escape to,
frequently.
And sometimes,
some of us,
become permanent residents.

Denial island is easy to find,
and much harder to abandon.
Like Hotel California,
it lets you check out any time you like,
but most will never leave.

One of my earlier tattoos, back when I still had more naked skin than inked, was a modified quote by Henry David Thoreau. The original is from Walden, Chapter 18, and it reads, “Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.” Mine was taken from the 2007 movie Into the Wild where Emile Hirsch’s character paraphrases Thoreau, “Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness, give me truth.” I liked the extended version, so that’s what I chose. Faith and fairness tend to skew, bend, and abandon truth just as much as the rest.

If life taught me anything up until that point, it was that truth was an endangered species. Rare to catch a glimpse of anywhere out there, even amongst the ones you loved. Sometimes, especially so.

Denial is a fickle bitch. It offers an abundance of comfort. It is there, in that safe guarded place, where we can remain in our false sense of security. We don’t have to face hard and difficult things there. Painful things. It is there where we can defend what we choose to believe, what we prefer to see, what we wish to be.

It is there, where we wrap ourselves up so tight and warm in the alternative narrative of our choosing. A narrative that helps us to justify and excuse our behavior. Or justify and excuse the behavior of others. A narrative that helps us place blame elsewhere so we don’t have to hold ourselves accountable. A narrative that helps us to see the world the way we want to, not the way it really is. See ourselves and others the way we want to, not the way we really are.

Denial island protects us from fear, from failure, from grief, from sadness, from reality. It also helps us to integrate into our families, our relationships, our careers, our religious beliefs, and our social circles, in the normalized dominant way we are presented with. Despite how opposite our authentic self and beliefs are to those things.

When I first read Thoreau’s quote, and then heard it again when I watched Into the Wild for the first time, it struck a deep cord.

Thoreau goes on to write, “I sat at a table where were rich food and wine in abundance, and obsequious attendence, but sincerity and truth were not; and I went away hungry from the inhospitable board.”

TRUTH – that which lies beyond us, far away from the superficialities of daily life.

TRUTH – that which is a mantle built above status, above wealth, above fame, above material possessions, above the faith we believe in, and yes, even above love. To me, truth is love, even when it seems unkind.

And the lies we tend to tell ourselves are much more painful than the lies we are granted from the mouths of others. To deny ourselves truth, especially our own, is the ultimate travesty.

Years back, on the day those words became permanent on my own body, I promised to leave denial island. It would be a lie to say I haven’t washed up on its shores since then, stayed awhile, and then left once more. But never again, would I choose to be stuck there.

I did not want to walk through this life with rose-colored glasses and kaleidoscope eyes. I chose to see myself clearly. Others clearly. Life clearly. And that includes the pain and the harshness that come with being alive, with being in love, with living true to yourself. And the ultimate truth that change is forever a constant, and loss is inevitable. But to me, an uncomfortable truth will always be more valuable than a reassuring lie.

Like Thoreau, I longed to live beyond, far and away from the superficialities of daily life. I desired wealth of a different kind. And rich in truth, I would become – at the expense of a great many things. First and foremost, the comfort I had been so comfortable in.

I didn’t want to look in the mirror and lie to myself.
I didn’t want to look in the eyes of others and lie to them.
I didn’t want to leave this world living a lie of any kind (if I could help it).

Why stay frozen in comfort when I could run towards truth?
My truth.
Your truth.
The truth of the society.
The many truths of this life.

With truth, we shed expectations.
With truth, we learn awareness.
With truth, we find acceptance.
With truth, we abandon validation.
With truth, we seek authenticity.
With truth, we relinquish the ego.
With truth, we evolve and transform.
With truth, we heal and repair.
With truth, we discover ourselves.
With truth, we break free.

I would rather dine with the man who lives in the hollow tree and speak in all manners of truth, than feast in some great hall overflowing with superficial falsehoods and idle virtues, no matter the company.

Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness, give me truth.