bird’s eye view.

I had to go up.

Because up is where I feel small.

In the best way possible.

Up is where I am humbled.

Surrounded on all sides by immense beauty.

I am infinitesimal in comparison to places like this.

A tiny dot.

A blip in time.

And my ego was checked somewhere mid-ascent of this 80 degree incline.

Here, is also where I am reminded of who I am.

A loner.

A wanderer.

A wild one.

Content with disappearing into the great expanse.

To go unnoticed in nature, is an art form.

To draw attention away, not towards.

Unlike society, wallflowers are much obliged in the wild.

Most conversations are had without speaking a word.

Revelations are kept close to the heart.

Worries are carried up and away on the wind.

Secrets sink deep into the forest floor.

No one cares what I have to say here,

how I look,

how I present myself,

or what I’m wearing.

There are no humans to be found.

Only feathered friends.

I am joined by three Bald Eagles, swooping up and over the mountain, just above my head. So close that their shadows blot out the sun for a brief moment and I am left mouth ajar, marveling at this magical experience. It’s the closest I have ever been to an eagle in flight.

Nature knows who I am.

She bores right through my center.

There is no fooling her.

I go to her when I need a wake up call. A reminder. A confirmation. Because peeling back the layers of societal programming is a long, arduous, and jarring process. Confusing, too. This strange compulsion to continue on as I think I should, as I was told I should, but not as who I am. Cramming myself into some made up ideal to appease the masses and conform to a structured normalcy, even if it doesn’t work for me.

I am digging myself out of this deep trench, from decades of insecurity, mistrust, doubt, and inferiority being shoveled so high upon me – from a life that left me wanting to be anyone but myself. I am surely and steadily unbecoming all that I became so I can step back in to who I already was.

And I will not find her in most places that people tend to go looking.

inclement weather.

Hiking in the rain is akin to hiking after a powdery snowfall. Much like its frozen counterpart, the rain shrouds a forest in stillness, something rarely found in the buzzing heat of a summer day. Precipitation brings about a special kind of peace and solitude, something that can only accompany inclement weather.

The fallen leaves, soaked through to the soil below, glisten their reds, yellows, and oranges amidst the patches of once green ferns, now lemon and rust, that sway in a gentle breeze which sweeps the forest floor, almost as silent as you. A woman can move without a sound amid the dank and decomposing deciduous confetti beneath her boots.

The moss, at the water’s edge, swollen with the last two days of rainfall, becomes a lush and loamy tapestry beneath her feet, flattening underfoot, and then slowly rising once again to resume its luxuriant form as the boot lifts away. The Sphagnaceae reminiscent of Lewis Carroll’s Mome Raths.

The scent of damp, dark earth surrounds her. If only, she thinks to herself, there was a way to bottle it and keep it, breathing in its elemental magic, infused with the kind of healing properties she will find nowhere else but here, in this moment. Under the trees, the scent of pine rises up to greet her from the fallen needles below.

The birds flit and flutter at ground level. Are you a warbler, little friend? She sees you there, peeking through the thick bramble of the low lying shrubs, with your white underbelly, dusty gray body, and bright splash of lemon. Little bird who is quick-footed and fast to fly, always outwitting the curious observer longing for a proper identification of her allusive feathered forest companion.

White-breasted Nuthatches dance on the thick trunks and bare branches of the mighty Eastern White Pine. A crow calls in the distance overhead, obscured by the overcast sky – a body-less caw on the wind.

Around the bend, where the stream flows to greet the lake, the swamp smells of fish, so intrusive in the misty air, it’s as if she is holding a fresh catch right there in her own two hands.

All the autumnal browns of the lake and swamp vegetation that are making their transition into death are heightened by the muted gray backdrop of a sunless, fog-laden sky. The perfect contrast.

It’s as if she and this wild place have been plucked straight from the vastness of the world and gently tucked inside a water globe. The dense fog is the frost-covered glass of the dome, the gods giving it a shake so that a gentle rain falls all around her, dampening the intrusive sounds of an outside world she can no longer see.

Tiny droplets pool at the sharp edge of a pine needle, pulling and drooping the bundles down towards the ground. The fallen bundle together in pockets and coves to create a golden mosaic that floats and swirls atop a calm, reflective canvas. There is the pitter patter drum beat of droplets as they hit the water’s surface, creating ripples and waves that draw her into a state of soothing meditation.

She, and this swath of forest, lake, and swamp, are encased in a fog-laden wonderland of a grand and wild design.

forest talk.

As a child, I preferred the language of the forest. It spoke to me in a way that I understood much easier than the language of man.

I never had difficulty finding my sense of belonging among the wild things, tucked away in wild places.

I welcomed the quiet comfort it brought. The peace. The solitude. A freedom I found no where else. It shut out the noise of hurriedness. Of expectation. Of judgement. Of hurt. Of ridicule. Of rejection. Of things I didn’t understand.

I never feared the creatures who crossed my path, both large and small. It always felt like we had an unspoken understanding between us. Meeting the gaze of a wild animal was something magical. The fleeting moments of shared personal space was something to treasure, not fear. I would always say quietly, “Don’t go. Please stay with me awhile. I won’t hurt you.”

Where society was busy, loud, obnoxious, rude, judgemental, confusing, and scary, the forest was a sanctuary I could disappear in, getting lost on purpose.

I felt most alone in the crowded spaces that tried to tame my wild heart. That wouldn’t let me be me. That threw me in boxes I didn’t belong in. That trapped me and tried to break me.

Want to know me?

Want to love me?

Leave me wild.

Leave me be.

Want to feel freedom of a different kind?

Follow me into the forest.

Under the pines.

Among the wild things.

woman in forest