I had to go up.
Because up is where I feel small.
In the best way possible.
Up is where I am humbled.
Surrounded on all sides by immense beauty.
I am infinitesimal in comparison to places like this.
A tiny dot.
A blip in time.
And my ego was checked somewhere mid-ascent of this 80 degree incline.
Here, is also where I am reminded of who I am.
A loner.
A wanderer.
A wild one.
Content with disappearing into the great expanse.
To go unnoticed in nature, is an art form.
To draw attention away, not towards.
Unlike society, wallflowers are much obliged in the wild.
Most conversations are had without speaking a word.
Revelations are kept close to the heart.
Worries are carried up and away on the wind.
Secrets sink deep into the forest floor.
No one cares what I have to say here,
how I look,
how I present myself,
or what I’m wearing.
There are no humans to be found.
Only feathered friends.
I am joined by three Bald Eagles, swooping up and over the mountain, just above my head. So close that their shadows blot out the sun for a brief moment and I am left mouth ajar, marveling at this magical experience. It’s the closest I have ever been to an eagle in flight.
Nature knows who I am.
She bores right through my center.
There is no fooling her.
I go to her when I need a wake up call. A reminder. A confirmation. Because peeling back the layers of societal programming is a long, arduous, and jarring process. Confusing, too. This strange compulsion to continue on as I think I should, as I was told I should, but not as who I am. Cramming myself into some made up ideal to appease the masses and conform to a structured normalcy, even if it doesn’t work for me.
I am digging myself out of this deep trench, from decades of insecurity, mistrust, doubt, and inferiority being shoveled so high upon me – from a life that left me wanting to be anyone but myself. I am surely and steadily unbecoming all that I became so I can step back in to who I already was.
And I will not find her in most places that people tend to go looking.










